How to Deal With Confrontation

This isn’t new news, but most people struggle with confrontation. If that’s you, it probably boils down to your very human need to be ‘liked’ by everyone.

Naturally, you want to feel a sense of belonging and when people challenge you and your opinion, or outright disagree with you it can shake that up.

Suddenly you are unsure if this person is accepting, or rejecting you. Suddenly you are not sure if you belong in their little circle or not. Suddenly you feel alone and at sea.

There are a multitude of tactics you can adopt in such circumstances and I’d like to touch on one today.

Let’s start by asking 2 questions:

What is your default position as soon as you are faced with confrontation?

What role do your ‘persecutors’ believe you play?

Thomas Kilmann produced an interesting set of options that you might like to consider (TKI Model) above. Here are the options:

Option 1: Do you back down immediately and effectively run away from the problem?
Option 2: Do you accommodate their wishes and berate yourself for ‘being so soft’?
Option 3: Do you spontaneously challenge them back and go round in circles as you butt egos?
Option 4: Do you look for ways in which you could work together to find a solution?

Consider options 1 and 2 above.

If your ‘persecutor’ has come to think of you as someone who will either run away or back down, s/he will smell blood immediately and go in for the kill. As soon as you compromise, you haven’t got a chance.

If you go with option 3, you’ll be butting heads all day.

Which leaves option 4 as the strongest (and only) path to take. And there are plenty of ways in which you can collaborate.

I don’t want to get into those strategies here – that’s for another time. But what I do want you to consider is which of these default positions you naturally choose when faced with confrontation.

And secondly (and perhaps more importantly) which is the position your ‘persecutors’ believe you will take.

You don’t want to be known as a ‘push over’.

You don’t want to be known as a ‘doormat’.

You don’t want to be known either as a ‘hot head’ who will only ever push back when challenged.

What do you think?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Rebecca



Blaggers: 3 Reasons Why They're Stealing Your Next Promotion

All too often I hear from peeved clients that 'blaggers' are stealing their thunder.

'Blaggers', not to be confused with 'bloggers', (as my spellcheck keeps doing) are those people in your meetings who speak openly and candidly about themselves and their achievements.

At times, they twist the truth or in some cases, downright lie.

Whatever you might think about blaggers, there are three crucial reasons why they're getting ahead faster than you:

1. They speak up

2. They're convincing

3. They're 'known'


Let's look at each reason in turn:


1. Blaggers speak up

Blaggers do the first thing right: they share their opinions (however annoying that might be to you).

Speaking up and sharing your ideas are crucial steps if you are serious about raising your profile at work.

The reason why a blagger might steal your next promotion is that he or she is adding what I call 'PIV', or 'perceived intellectual value'. And that word 'perceived' is absolutely vital here because we all know that some blaggers are talking rot, but if those key decision makers aren't affected, or are simply unaware that it's 'rot', then this isn't necessarily an issue.

The crucial point is, blaggers share their ideas (or PIV) with the exact people who can help them advance their careers.


2. Blaggers are convincing

Certainty sells. Most blaggers have a knack of sharing their opinions with vigour, whilst looking people directly in the eye.

Think back to a time when you were looking to hire a plumber to fix a problem in your house. If he sounded unsure as he explained how he'd fix your burst pipe and mumbled his way through the technical details, I bet you didn't hire him did you?

The reason why a blagger might steal your next promotion is that certainty sells.


3. Blaggers are 'known'

People who share their opinions boldly and stand for something tend also to create strong positionings for themselves in the office.

In other words: their direct reports, peers and senior managers come to know about them because they speak up with certainty.

The reason why a blagger might steal your next promotion is that he or she has a profile within your organisation.


In Summary...
Now, I am not suggesting that you start blagging your way around the office willy nilly... or compromise your integrity in any way.

But I am recommending that you stop getting frustrated by blaggers and start to learn from them.

There are many ways to raise your profile within your organisation. Blagging can be done well and help you get ahead. It can also be executed badly and tarnish your reputation.

Observe the people who do it (frustratingly) well.

Notice how they share their views. See how they use certain vocabulary, tone of voice and gestures to give them an added air of credibility. And then watch them become famous around the office.

What are your experiences with blagging?

Are you a blagger? Does it help you raise your profile effectively?

Love to hear from you!

- Rebecca

5 Key Differences Between 'Assertiveness' and 'Arrogance'

When I work with clients to help them become more assertive, a common resistance they have is their belief that other people might misconstrue their intention and regard them as 'arrogant'.

For obvious reasons, most people wouldn't wish to be regarded as being 'arrogant' but the fact is, there is a real difference between the two.
Decide for yourself whether you could ever be judged as being arrogant based on these differences:

1.
Assertive People: are open to other opinions.
Arrogant People: believe only their opinion matters.

2.

Assertive People: listen to others.
Arrogant People: ignore everyone else.


3.

Assertive People: state their opinion decisively.
Arrogant People: shout and argue.

4.

Assertive People: act constructively and inclusively.
Arrogant People: dictate.

5.

Assertive People: engage people and draw them towards them.
Arrogant People: push people away.


Now, when you look at these two very different attitudes (and their resultant behaviours) hopefully you’ll agree that acting 'assertively' can only be of benefit to you!

What do you think? What are your experiences?
Rebecca

5 Tips to Maintain Credibility When Under Fire

Your Personal Brand is one thing. Your Personal Brand under fire is another.

The true test of your Personal Brand comes when you're faced with a crisis:

• Perhaps you have been challenged on a report you have written
• Maybe someone has questionned your leadership technique
• Or someone seems to be trampling your values

Whatever the crisis, it's important to check in with yourself to decide how you want to respond.

And that's the important thing, to check in with yourself first.

All too often, people respond in an empassioned knee jerk way: do first, think later (or not at all).

To maintain your credibility it's vital that you think first and then respond.

Even if you're under pressure to make a decision... you just have to think very, very quickly.

Here are 5 steps to get you focused:

Think

1. What are the absolute facts here?
2. What assumptions am I making?

Respond

3. Ask your counterpart for specifics: you don't want to react to a generalised statement.

So, for example: if the challenge you were faced with ran something like this:

"I think this report you've written is littered with errors."

Instead of assuming he means the entire piece is littered with errors, ask for some more information:

"Ok, to be clear, can you point out exactly what the errors are?"

4. Now, based on his reply, reassess the facts and ask yourself if your counterpart is justified in his claim?

5a. If so, offer to correct the error quickly - speed is important; you don't want an issue lingering on.

5b. If no, push back assertively!

When have you felt challenged and how did you respond? Did you think and then do? What were the outcomes?

- Rebecca

Personal Branding in Distress: Does Your Email Signature Destroy Your Brand?

I've just received an email from a man who shall remain nameless.

The email was vaguely interesting - I say 'vaguely' because there were numerous typos in the text which automatically gets my back up, makes me lose my train of thought and frankly leads me to judge the sender's professionalism.

And then I reached the email signature. Now, I'm all for quirky 'job' titles but this one for me went too far. It read:

Joe Bloggs
Head of Crazy Ideas; Wacky Guy; NFP Benefactor; Ladies' Man

Seriously?

This was an email from 'Joe Bloggs' asking me if I'd be interested in doing a joint venture with his company.

Err, no thanks!

It's funny - 'Joe Bloggs' might be a very interesting candidate for a JV but it's incredible how much this email signature irritated me.

For a start, it's not particularly professional.

Secondly, anyone who wishes to publicise their 'not for profit contributions' in such a lewd way, is clearly in it for all the wrong reasons (in my opinion).

And lastly... Ladies' Man? Come on!

The issue with your email signature is that it's short, sweet and 2-dimensional.

In other words you've got 5 seconds to make a good (or terrible, in this case) impression and it's an opportunity to bring you, a 3D individual, to life.

I think it's important to ensure your email signature is reflective of a brand other people would trust and wish to 'do business' with.

What do you think about email signatures? Are they easy to get wrong? Does it really matter? Am I being overly sensitive??

- Rebecca

How to Stop Diminishing Yourself NOW!

We all suffer from limiting self-talk from time to time.

The difference between people who are successful, and those who are not, is that successful people acknowledge their 'inner gremlins' almost immediately and shout them down before they've had the chance to flex their muscles and gain any momentum.

This month's self-sabotaging self-talk is:

"I'm just / I'm only / I guess..."

Here are some examples:

"I just work on the sales team."

"I'm only the assistant so I don't know."

"I'm really new so ..."

"I kind of manage the project."

"I guess you could say I'm the team head."


You might think that little 'everyday' phrases like this are harmless.

However in reality, when you use limiting language like this it has a profound impact on your inner belief as well as the perception that others will have of you.

People around you might think you sound unsure or, at worst, incompetent.

Diminishing yourself; your contribution; the value you add; and relinquishing any power or position of authority will result in your own downfall.

Here are some tips:

STOP! And listen out for the language you use...

Do you use assertive, direct language when talking about yourself, or do you use excuses and sound uncertain?

The more you train yourself to listen out for (and then correct) any negative or self-diminishing statements, the more readily you will boost your confidence and project the image you wish to the world around you.

- Rebecca

How to Raise Your Profile WITHOUT Arrogance

We all suffer from limiting self-talk from time to time.

One of the most common concerns I hear from clients is the issue of perceived arrogance:

"What if, by raising my profile at work, people start thinking I'm arrogant?"

Let's face it, few of us wants to be thought of as 'arrogant'.

Arrogant people are not usually enjoyable to be around. They tend to hold the view that they know best and seem quite unaware as to how their actions might impact on others or, much worse, simply don't care.

So let's talk instead about 'assertiveness'.

When we assert ourselves, we behave boldly. We take responsibility for both ourselves and our actions and are driven to find solutions wherever possible.

Assertive behaviour, at its best, is also inclusive because people in the 'assertive camp' are much more aware of the people around them and actively assess how their own actions could potentially impact others.

The crucial point is this: assertive people have awareness and that makes them altogether far more likeable and effective leaders.

1. Build your personal brand by acting assertively.

2. Use an assertive tone of voice when you speak.

3. Listen to others' perspectives without necessarily agreeing with them all.

4. Stay true to yourself and your values, which means knowing what behaviours are important to you and that reflect the kind of person you want others to see.


- RW

Stop Indecision and Allowing Other People to Sway Your Views!

Here's a mini-questionnaire for you:

A) Do you find it difficult to make decisions without first consulting others for their opinions?

Or

B) Do you 'just know' when you are making the right decision?


A) Do you find that you are easily swayed by other people and readily change your mind when they disagree with you?

Or

B) Do you accept that other people have different opinions to you and know that you don't need to agree with their views?


If you answered A) to both questions this implies that you have an 'external' perspective, meaning that you rely on external feedback before feeling comfortable reaching a decision.

If you answered B) to both questions you are more 'internal' i.e. you look inside to find your solutions and answers.

Both perspectives have benefits and costs.

In terms of the latter, overly 'internal' people can be regarded as arrogant, with no desire to listen to any alternative viewpoints whilst extreme 'external' people can take forever to get anything done and drive everyone nuts in the process!

When building a strong personal brand in the workplace it is vital that you work on your ability to 'look inside' to find the answers to your challenges. Know why you have chosen a particular option without feeling the need to justify it. Listen to other people if you wish to - it doesn't mean they are right and you are wrong. You could both be right.

Appearing decisive and holding firm are both very important as you grow as a leader. And who knows - perhaps you'll sway others along the way!

- RW

How to Have Your Voice Heard in Meetings

Isn’t it interesting how, when many people are in meetings, they shut down and yet in social situations, they are able to chat away about any topic brought to the table?

I have found, over many years of coaching clients to get ahead in their careers, that three little voices, that pop up in our heads, are the main causes of this fear. I think these thoughts can be summed up here:

- ‘What if… I say something stupid?’
- ‘What if… I say the wrong thing?’
- ‘What if… people think I’m an idiot?’

The reality is, no-one in any meeting will ever have the absolute truth to offer up. Because truth does not exist. All any of us has in a meeting is an opinion.

Even when it comes to statistics (apparently factual, black and white data), two people can skew the numbers to suit their own perspectives and support their points - and therefore have different opinions.

So if you struggle to voice your opinion in meetings, here are some tips to help you make a solid first impression:

1. Spend time thinking about the meeting. Consider the agenda. Who will be there and what might their agendas might be? Think about areas where you are already knowledgeable. Think about the questions you might ask. The stats or facts you could offer.

2. Assess where the Energy Centre is. What on earth am I banging on about, ‘energy centre‘?? There are always people in a room where the energy naturally gravitates. Who are they? Is it the CEO? A client? A Partner? Sit near them. The conversation will naturally centre around them and it is much easier to add your opinion if you are nearby than from the other end of a 12-seater table.

3. Make a point early in the conversation and lean forwards as you speak. It will give your point some added weight and naturally bring you into the conversation.

4. The most important tip of all is: to start. The longer you allow your voice to go unheard in meetings, the harder it will be to build credibility in the group.

If you’d like some help to increase your confidence in meeting environments, speak to Rebecca.

A Simple Tip to Influence Those Around You

I went to a fantastic networking event this morning hosted by Kim McGuinness (Network Central). One of the speakers, Mariette Rups Donnelly, was presenting on the topic of 'presence'.



What an interesting subject this is! To get ahead we must each be seen and heard and of course, there are good ways and not so good ways to achieve this.

Many women whom I coach express concern that 'presence' could be misconstrued by others as downright 'arrogance' - certainly this extreme way of being seen is something most people would wish to avoid.

There are a number of techniques to help you establish greater presence in your meetings, with your clients, and around people 'who matter' - and I'd love to share one of Mariette's today.

Mariette explained that to have presence requires you to be present.

This is simple yet highly thought provoking.

Being present implies you are behaving actively. You are consciously making the effort to connect with the people around you and listening (not just hearing) what they have to say.

To raise your profile, a simple action you could take is to work on living in the moment. And giving your full attention.

And one thing that I have certainly learnt: it is much easier to share your view and be heard once your counterpart genuinely feels that you have listened to all they have to say first!

What are your experiences?

- RW

Rebecca speaks at PWC - Managing Difficult Conversations

I gave a presentation to over 120 employees at PriceWaterhouseCoopers yesterday, all about 'managing difficult conversations'.

'Miscommunication' is such a common issue and the cause of many a disagreement. We all have a tendency to mind-read how other people might be thinking; we make assumptions; and often exude sweeping generalisations as to how things appear to us.

This is an enormous topic so I thought I'd pull out 4 key thoughts to share with you here :

1. Use specifics whenever possible. Instead of making (sometimes absurd) generalisations, offer specific examples to make your point. The more specific you are, the better.

2. Never assume that your definition of any word is the same definition that your counterpart would apply. For instance: I might view 'openness' as 'giving you a snapshot of my weekend', whilst you may see 'openness' as 'spending 40 minutes discussing every last detail of the weekend, what you had to eat, who you met, and who you fell in love with...'

3. If criticising anyone make sure you do this at the level of 'behaviour' and not 'identity'. For example: "When you forgot to put the bin out, it annoyed me" is a world apart from simply, "You are hopeless!"

4. Respect others' views; they may genuinely 'see' things differently to you.

If you want to share any comments or experiences, please do! - RW

Why 'Why...' Questions Stink!

'Why...?' questions, by their very nature, sound judgmental and can easily imply that you disagree with your buddy's approach, e.g. "Why (on earth) would you do that?"

You will be the most help to your buddy by remaining both neutral and non-judgmental and a great way to do that is to use 'neutral' questioning techniques.

Instead of asking 'why', start your questions with, 'How...?', 'What...?' and 'Who...?' and you'll help your buddy achieve forwards momentum...without getting her back up! :) -RW

How to Present with Assertiveness

'Ask Rebecca How...' is here to help you solve your professional concerns and offer ideas to help you meet your challenges.

"In smaller 1-1 settings, I talk and present with confidence but really lose my nerve in bigger meetings. How can I assert myself more effectively?" - Joanna

One of the most powerful ways to fast track your career, and be recognised as a leader, is to be able to present your ideas with authority but often, we let ourselves get in the way!

When presenting in front of a larger audience, particular limiting decisions often come into play. Do any of these thoughts run through your head?

a) "What if my opinion is wrong?"
b) "I am not knowledgable enough."
c) "The people in the meeting will judge me."

Largely because of beliefs like these, many people will 'hold back' in bigger meetings, waiting for the ideal time to speak. However, the longer this goes on, the harder it is to interject and offer your view. It's time to make some changes and here are some tips to help you:

1. Prepare for your meetings. Write your ideas and opinions down and rehearse them out loud until you sound convincing!

2. How about this: how can you ever be 'wrong' when 'truth' does not exist? To 'be wrong' implies there can only be one possible answer... which is, when you think about it, ludicrous. All anyone has is their opinion based on their own experiences and view of the world. Give yourself permission to offer your opinion; the worst that will happen is that someone else will have a different opinion to you... and that is all!

3. Focus your attention on the knowledge you do have, rather than worrying about what you don't know (yet)! If you need to do some extra research, do it today.

4. Your audience will naturally make a subconscious judgment about you, based first on your tone of voice and body language... possibly before you have even uttered a word. Practice speaking with an appropriate level of authority and rehearse a few subtle gestures that will support the points you wish to make.

Happy presenting! - RW

4 Steps To Listen Effectively & Build Rapport

I think that 'listening' is one of the most powerful of all communication skills and yet we are never really taught, at school or otherwise, how to do it properly.

Effective listening requires a great deal more than merely 'hearing' what your counterpart has to say. Effective listening requires a conscious commitment to be wholly present and to digest every word that is spoken.

Here are some ideas to help boost your listening skills:

1. Before entering your meeting, leave your own 'stuff' outside of the room! Our minds easily wander and a great tip is to literally 'park' your own distractions at outside of the door before you come in; you can always pick them up later when you leave!

2. When engaging your counterpart, consciously turn off your own inner voice, or mental chatter. This voice constantly lists all the things you have to get done today: 'planning tonight's dinner... organising a meeting with my manager; speaking to Sally about Friday; and oh... God... I've got to buy a present for Joe and when will I fit that in?; the dry cleaning needs collecting....' and so it goes on.

3. Occasionally check in with your partner to clarify her point or to ensure you have understood her correctly. Use her words when you do this - it shows you are really listening and helps to build rapport.

4. A final tip - turn your mobile off and put it in your bag! There's nothing ruder or more distracting than having a mobile on the table!! - RW

3 Tips To Present with Confidence!

Pose your challenge to 'Ask Rebecca How...'!

"I absolutely hate presenting in front of large audiences. I go to jelly and my mind goes blank. It's horrible!" - Lucinda

Rebecca says:

Being a ‘good public speaker’ is a skill and skills can be learnt. Here are some tips to help:

1. Keep your presentation simple. The brain can only absorb small chunks of information and chunking your information into 3 main points will help to engage your audience for longer. Ask yourself what your 3 main points are and repeat them throughout.

2. Be aware of your thoughts before you get up there. If you are saying things like, “This is going to be a disaster. I’ll go red, trip up the step and no-one will listen to me.” then I guarantee that is exactly what will happen. Decide on 1 powerful thought that will help you to present more confidently. Here are some suggestions:

• “I don’t pretend to know everything about this subject but I have some fresh ideas to share with my audience.”


• “I am an interesting and engaging speaker.”


• “My presentation meets the needs of my audience and I am fully prepared.”

Remember – your beliefs will be reflected in your behaviour. So makes sure your mind is filled only with positive thoughts and you’re much more likely to present successfully.

3. Do some pre-speech visualisation. Just like a 100m sprinter imagines what he is about to do during every second of his race through to crossing the line, so should you. Picture in detail how you will stand, what you will say, how you will say it and how your audience will respond. The more you visualise success the more likely you are to achieve it.

-RW

© Rebecca Wells, Ask Rebecca How 2010. If you would like to replicate any of our content please just ask us.

3 Ways to Share Your Ideas With Rapport

Want some tips to be a better listener, manager or leader? Our 'Better Buddy' tips are just what you need!

"Is it okay to share my own examples or experiences when trying to help my friend solve her problem?"
Rebecca says:

Absolutely! But use these tips to make sure you do it with rapport!

1) Make sure your stories and experiences are relevant to your buddy's situation!

2) Don't 'make it all about you' - it is important to keep your stories short and sweet.

3) If using a friend's experience, refer to them as 'a friend of mine' rather than by name - confidentiality is an important thing!

If done respectfully and with rapport, sharing your own experiences, stories and examples can work wonders to reassure your buddy that other people do come across, and successfully solve, similar issues. - RW

Build Stronger Relationships - A Tip About 'Language'

Our optional theme at ‘Rise Then Shine’ on 5th of May is ‘building stronger
relationships’, whether that be in a corporate environment or a personal relationship. How about some think pieces to start getting our problem-solving juices flowing?

Here’s a starter for 10 which is all about language.

The language you use with others is phenomenally powerful, particularly the choice of words you use. Let’s take generalisations. Here’s one:

A: “Your work is extremely slap dash.”

Now, if your manager were to say this to you the first thing to consider is – is she right? If you don’t believe they are then this statement could be hurtful.

When managing others, whether at home or at work, it is important to be specific in the language you use. Here’s an example of how the statement above can be improved:

B: “The point you’re making, using the statistics in the first paragraph, is unclear.”

See the difference?

In ‘A’ the manager is making a sweeping generalisation about ‘your work’. It implies all of your work is ‘extremely slapdash’. In ‘B’ the manager takes much greater responsibility for her choice of language and uses specifics to explain her point. It also becomes obvious in ‘B’ what can be done to rectify the situation.

Action: Think about a time when you felt someone’s statement was unfair. It might have been the case that they made a sweeping generalisation as in ‘A’. Be aware of the language you use and make your exact point absolutely clear to avoid confusion and build trust in your relationships.

TIP: Build Stronger Relationships - A Tip About 'Language'

Our optional theme at ‘Rise Then Shine’ on 5th of May is ‘building stronger
relationships’, whether that be in a corporate environment or a personal relationship.

Here’s a starter for ten which is all about 'language'.

The language you use with others is phenomenally powerful, particularly the choice of words you use. Let’s take generalisations. Here’s one:

A: “Your work is extremely slap dash.”

Now, if your manager were to say this to you the first thing to consider is – is she right? If you don’t believe she is, then this statement could be hurtful.

When managing others, whether at home or at work, it is important to be specific in the language you use. Here’s an example of how the statement above could be improved:

B: “The point you’re making, using the statistics in the first paragraph, is unclear.”

See the difference?

In ‘A’ the manager is making a sweeping generalisation about ‘your work’. It implies all of your work is ‘extremely slapdash’. In ‘B’ the manager takes much greater responsibility for her choice of language and uses specifics to explain her point. It also becomes obvious in ‘B’ what can be done to rectify the situation.

Action:

Think about a time when you felt someone’s statement was unfair. It might have been the case that they made a sweeping generalisation as in ‘A’.

Be aware of the language you use and make your exact point absolutely clear to avoid confusion and build trust in your relationships.

RW x